New Year, Same Me!

It's an interesting journey, this thing called life. Some days it seems so dissatisfying and yet others are full of contentment. So many times I have stood in the mirror naked and been upset at what I saw. So many days I have poured over the circles under my eyes. For one reason or another 2015 has liberated me from my own harsh judgement (at least for now). I have a wonderful husband who supports me and dotes on me constantly. I have a great circle of friends who are always there for a laugh or long talk or just some retail therapy. I have a crazy family that is always a phone call away. I just feel...at peace. I am grateful, I am satisfied, I am happy. What a big thing for anyone. It's often so easy to slip into negativity. In this day and age of social media, when everyone is so busy shoving their highlight reel in your face, it is easy to start comparing yourself to others and forget about all the great shit you already have going for you. If there is something in your life you want to change, get out there and do it but don't turn a blind eye to all the wonderful things you already have. Accept the flaws you have and flaws in others, then move forward. No one ever got anywhere in life by wallowing in self pity. Change what you can, embrace what you can't, and appreciate all that life has to offer. You only get one. Don't waste it.

Merry Christmas from the Land of the Morning Calm

Another year has come and gone in Korea and I am no closer to my goals than I was last year. I should probably be more upset by it, but honestly I feel like I am just getting started. I won't bother setting "resolutions" for the New Year. I will only say that I will try. I will try to do better every day. Maybe I will actually write this year. Maybe I will get back in school and back in the gym. Maybe I will just have another coffee and say, maybe tomorrow. For now, trying is enough for me. Maybe that is all life really is, all us of acting like we know what we're doing, all the while inside thinking, "fuck it! Let's see what happens." We take obscure leaps of faith hoping we fall into place. It's an odd sort of repetition, like babies learning to walk. We wobble, fall down, and then try again, a little different this time, until we figure it out or we give up. We either find that ability in our selves or we settle into a comfort zone from which we never come out. I'd rather be in the former category. So today I am just writing to write. Looking back on my past posts, I'm glad no one reads this shit. I mean some of it is good and some of it really isn't. This was suppose to be a blog for me to start honing my writing and it turned out more like a journal I never kept up with. I guess that's in part because I am lazy. It is also because I lost some of my drive. I have been working and settled into a routine and my hobbies fell to the waste-side. But it's Christmas and I feel like giving it another go. My husband made all my gifts this year about things I used to do, things I enjoy but kind of forgot about. It has reminded me that I can't let these things slip away; even if nothing ever comes of this, even if I never write a book that sells or have a real blog that people read. Writing and story telling have been at the center of my being for as long as I can remember. I won't let it quietly slip into the dark. I began reading early, mostly because my mother read to me from the time I was born. It's something that has stayed with me and kept me eternally curious. It was a well known joke in my house, when I was a child, that if you made eye contact with me I was probably going to talk your face off until you pawned me off on the next unsuspecting family member. My father always tells me how I would use my imagination to drum up stories to extend my bed time. I had a curiosity in me that has waxed and waned like the moon each month. All at once, my passion for writing is both a smoldering ember about to die out and a full blown forest fire. There are days when I am filled with words and thoughts, and there days that I stare at blank pages with nothing to say. I wonder if every aspiring writer feels that way. When you first become an "adult" you feel like you are behind. You grow up thinking you will go to school, get a job, start a family, have your shit together. The truth is, however, your 20's is when you find out who you really are, what you really want. It's a time to sort your shit out and get on the right track. Some rare people have a plan and they follow it to the letter. But the rest of us? Well, we're all just kind of winging it.

Shopping in Seoul

This weekend my husband and I went to Seoul to eat at one of favorite places, Coco's Curry House. It is a chain restaurant that has some of the best Japanese curry you will ever have. We took the metro train from our town to a nearby larger town and caught a KTX into Seoul. The KTX is a faster train that only stops along major cities. We usually just take the intercity buses but it was a Korean holiday weekend and we wanted to avoid traffic. It was my first time on the KTX and I was overall impressed with the ease and comfort of travel. The only downside is they sell standing room only seats as well so a middle aged Korean man spent the 30 minute ride hovering over us. Once in Seoul we made our way to Myeongdong which is one of the major shopping districts. We had our late lunch at coco's and then I decided to do a little shopping. They have many department stores and big chains as well as smaller mom and pop type stores and street vendors. The area is always crowded with locals and tourists alike. The smells of fish and funk mix with the smells of coffee shops and steaks. We went into a H&M so I could buy some new clothes for fall. By American standards I am a small girl so despite the fact that Korean sizes run small I can usually find my fit. That being said, I ALWAYS try things on here because you never know. As I went into the changing room with a bag full of stuff I was optimistic, but oh lord was I in for a surprise! Just to give you a reference I am size 4 and I was trying on size 6 clothes to account for the difference in fit. First up was a pair of plum skinny jeans, they didn't make it past my knees. I have larger calves from working out and wearing high heels so much but Korean "skinny" apparently meant bird legs. Oh well, lets try something else. Next I went for a cute maroon dress I thought might be nice for my husband's squadron Christmas party this year...one word? Boobs; I have them, Korean women don't. Every thing was looking good until the zipper got to my bust and holy hell! My small C's were pancaked to my chest and I thought if I took a big enough breath I might just burst out at the seams. It wasn't all bad news, I did manage to find a cute pair of pants that fit and a couple of sweaters. To some of you this might sound odd. Shouldn't a size 6 be a size 6 no matter where you are? But as most of us know even in stores at your local mall sizes don't always fit the same regardless of what the tag says. The same is true for different countries. Despite H&M not being a Korean brand the line of clothes it sells here is tailored to its consumer. Case and point; I have a pair of Nike running shorts I bought while back home visiting my family that is a size small and it is larger than a pair of size medium Nike running shorts I bought here in Korea last fall. If there is a lesson to be learned here it is that size is relative. Our society puts so much pressure on us to be a certain size or to look a certain way. We go into stores and constantly put ourselves down when we can't fit into the size we thought we were. When in all honesty our sizes can't truly be standardized because WE are not standardized. Some of us have wider hips or a little bit more of a booty, some of us have twig legs some of us have tennis legs, we have small boobs and big boobs, and broad shoulders. Stop trying to fit into clothes and start buying clothes that fit YOU! Stop studying labels and sizes and start learning your body's unique beauty. If women started thinking of our bodies this way we would have a lot less women with low self esteem and a lot less women forcing themselves into clothes too small walking around looking like a busted can of biscuits. Which lets be honest, that look of a big booty stuffed into a tiny pair of shorts is something we all find visually offensive.

Results

It's been awhile since I posted anything. I have been keeping busy with house work and my new workout schedule. It has been over a month since I started my regular workout schedule and only a few weeks since I began adding my weight lifting routine. I have already noticed many changes. Visually I don't look much different yet; only a couple pounds lighter and jeans fit a little better. Physically is where I have noticed the real changes. I feel great, I have more energy even after long hard workouts, and I have started sleeping better. I have suffered from severe headaches and migraines since I was 15 and in recent years the frequency has only gotten worse. Doctors have been unable to find a preventative medicine that works for me so I am taking my rescue meds quite often. So often in fact, I built up a tolerance for Imitrex and had to be switched to Zomig. Since I stared lifting weights however, my migraines have dropped from nine a month to two. For anyone who suffers from this debilitating form of headache you can attest to how wonderful that is. I am far more productive and motivated to do things I normally procrastinate doing (like the dishes). I cannot believe the difference I feel every day. I am happier just in general and feel less stress. I can't even talk myself out of going to the gym. Sometimes I wake up tired or have a lot of errands to run, but even though in my head I am being negative thinking "I can't today, I just don't have time" I always end up putting on my gym clothes and hitting the weights. Some of my friends have been a little negative about the weights. Worried I will get to muscley or lose my womanly figure. I always say the same thing, I am doing this for me and I don't intend to lose my curves only to make them healthier. Plus if I am being honest I have a very competitive spirit and I love the challenge lifting gives me.

Working Out

I have been blessed with good genetics. That is to say the largest woman in my family is maybe a size five. My mother is a double zero at the age 45. That's what happens when you're half Japanese. We were all raised on southern fried country food that is far from good for you but our naturally high metabolism always made up for it. When my husband and I got married we decided to try and live healthier lives. We keep fresh veggies in the fridge and have a salad with every dinner. I have cut back on my caffeine and sweets. I have adjusted my family recipes to reduce the sodium and fats. Despite our better eating habits and regularly active lives we both managed to gain a little weight in the past year. Of course when you get older your metabolism slows and for me the use of hormonal birth control dramatically changed my ability to keep eating without consequence. I am still well within the normal range for my height and weight but I have gotten a little, shall we say, soft around the middle. I have decided to adopt a more regular workout routine and to incorporate lifting weights. Many women shy away from the weights. It is a widely accepted misconception that if we lift weights we will bulk up and look manly. (You know like all those female body builders you see on TV that look scary). The truth is women don't have the proper genetic makeup to make that happen naturally and lifting weights will actually aid your weight loss and over all health. There is no miracle drug or special workout to make you drop pounds over night but lifting weights gives you results you'll never see on cardio alone. I don't have any background in physical training. I am only sharing what I have learned in my process of putting together a routine for myself. I have really just begun but I can already see and feel the difference. I look forward to sharing my results and sharing tips I learn along the way. Believe me when I say this does not come naturally to me, but nothing beats the feeling of accomplishment I get when I leave the gym drenched in sweat. If you want to live a healthier life get up and do it. Don't be intimidated because you don't know what to do. There are so many good outlets out there to help guide you. You have to start somewhere, why not here and now? Check out these apps and websites: www.bodybuilding.com This website is a jack of all trades. You get information on nutrition, supplement use, and workout plans. Nike Training Club (app) This app allows you to pick workouts and difficulty levels and rewards you for completing workouts. It's a great motivator. Couch to 5k (app) This app helps you build a good cardio workout for someone who has never done any running before.

Man Up Ladies, This Life is What You Make it.

Why do military wives identify themselves by their husband's career. So many women take on the lifestyle and end up losing their self in the process. Your husband has a difficult job and being married to him isn't easy but you can't say you didn't know what you were getting yourself into. You can't let your husbands career define you. You see it all the time. Women who wear their husband's rank and refer to things in terms of "we" and "our"; "We get paid next week" and "our third deployment is coming up." I don't say any of this to belittle anyone it just seems odd to me. You don't generally see this as much with non military couples. Here is my theory and tell me if I am wrong but I think so many of these wives have given up their life for the husband's career and in turn it's all they have left so they cling to it. Hear me out. Most wives are stay at home moms. Some are there by choice, others like me are having trouble finding work, and some have had trouble keeping their own career because of the constant PCSing. Men and women alike define themselves by what they do these days and if you aren't doing anything it's easy to start getting overly involved in your SO's life. I think this also contributes to the gossiping and nosiness in the military communities. What's that saying about idle hands? You have to find your own thing, whether it be a hobby or work, something that is uniquely your own. Having your own friends and things to do will help keep separate your life from his. Now I am sure some of you are thinking, "We are married everything is we and everything should be done together." I disagree. Doing things together is good and healthy for your relationship but everything? I can't speak for my husband but I know if he was up my ass all the time I would be dying for any excuse to stay away from home for a few minutes of peace. I think having your own time apart is equally as necessary as spending time together. And while we're at it, it's high time we stopped playing the damsel in distress. "Woah is me, my husband is saving the world and I am protecting the homefront!" Nothing could ever have prepared you for every bump this life would lead you to, but hopefully you knew that it wouldn't be easy. You knew you would move around and follow him wherever they tell him to go and you knew you'd have to stay back while he went to fight a war and you'd gladly do it every time because he means more to you than the world. Stop acting like a victim. Take pride in your family and your strength to make it through these tough times. There is no question that military families make sacrifices and that demands some respect. It does not however demand sympathy. I'm just sayin....

The Road That Led Me Here.

When in doubt I suppose it's best to start at the beginning. I grew up literally across the street from an Air Force Base so most of my friends were what you'd call "military brats". My high school mascot was the "Bombers" and it was the kind of place where every business had a "Wall of Heroes". Growing up in a Southern state you're raised to support, respect, and admire those who serve. I can't count the number of classmates that joined one branch or another. My surroundings aside I come from a military family. My grandfather served in the Navy in Vietnam where he nearly lost his life on the Swift Boats before going Air Force and retiring a CMSgt of Ammunition. "If You Ain't Ammo, You Ain't Shit!" I also have an uncle in the Army who started out as a Ranger in Desert Storm but in his over 20 year career has had an assortment of jobs since. My other uncle went Air Force when I was in Jr High and works as a Crew Chief. He's done two tours in Afghanistan. I am no stranger to the military. In my town you could throw a rock in any direction and most likely hit a service member. My college roommate was what some might refer to as a "tag chaser". She wanted that over the top Hollywood kind of military relationship; a man in uniform serving his country while she waited on the home front with all her glory and sacrifice. Oh what a martyr she was when she landed one. Facebook posts day and night, "I love my soldier" and "praying this deployment ends soon and he comes home safe". Believe me I am all for a woman being proud of her man and wanting the safe return of any one in the military, but some of these guys were guys she hardly knew or never met but she was raking in the sympathy based on her passionate posts about their "relationship". I was not so star struck by the uniform but I did respect the men and women in them. It's no surprise that I ultimately made friends with a group of Airman stationed at the local base. We would have cookouts and go to karaoke. They truly were some of the best and most humble people I have ever met. At one of our many gatherings I noticed a new face. I was told buy the guy who was throwing the cookout that he was new to the base. He was handsome of course but that wasn't the only reason he caught my eye. It was his personality. He was confident and funny and he commanded all the attention in the room when he spoke. It wasn't long until he was a regular in our circle. We were fast friends, and as the parties died down we could always be found on the porch in the moonlight sharing cigarettes and stories. It stayed that way for three years never anything more. He dated, as did I, but our friendship was always a constant. I watched him deploy twice and come back each time a little different. It was then that things changed. He had only been home a couple months from his second deployment and a group of us was suppose to go out for beers. Everyone bailed so it ended up just me and him. It was a night mostly full of laughs and some serious talks. He informed me that he had received new orders to deploy again in the fall and we discussed his fears and concerns. I caught him up on all he had missed while he had been gone and we made plans to do things before he left again. As the night came to a close, again we joked and laughed and in a hug I looked up and he kissed me. It's hard to explain my emotions at that moment. I think at best I could call it electric. It was as if 1000 volts were coursing through my veins. My heart pounded, the butterflies took over and we both began speaking at once. I was flooded with so much happiness and excitement that I thought I might burst. His friends told him it was a bad idea, he was about to deploy, it would never work. My friends told me they had been hoping it would happen for a long time because they thought we just made perfect sense. I guess that is the difference in men and women; they are so practical and we are so romantic. He left for Afghanistan in October and I was glad to be close to home and surrounded by family and friends to help me through the next six months. There were good days and bad days. Some phone calls he just sat silent and angry on the other end, nothing I had done just months of frustration boiling over. Other times it was all hearts and kisses. Our relationship was tested in ways you'd never consider and in the end it made us stronger. That first kiss was three years ago and life has never been the same. Married now for a year and a half we live in South Korea and learn more about each other every day. Maybe our story isn't a Hollywood blockbuster but it's certainly so much more than that to me. My days are full of acronyms and career field related jargon I can't begin to understand. I have learned to stay ever flexible and ready for anything. I have learned that navigating the mine field of military wives can be a very dangerous sport, but when you find the good ones they truly are amazing women. And I have found that marriage especially to a military man takes strength, courage, and hard work.